I love Pastor Sam Miles. He is my favorite. But I didn’t marry him because he was a pastor (because he wasn’t when I did). I married him because he was the best person I knew, because I thought we could build a great life together serving the Lord, and honestly because we had great chemistry.
Before we got married, we had a lot of hard conversations about who he wanted to be; his determination to follow the Lord, whatever/wherever/whenever that might mean; and his fear of marrying someone not bought-in to the mission of the gospel and discipleship.
Looking back, we didn’t talk much about what I wanted at that time. I was in that spinny-graduating-college stage where everything I’d thought I wanted had to start taking a practical turn. Where would I find eternal value? Was this a team I wanted to join or was this a team that would kill my grand plans? (The answer was a big yes to both.) I didn’t really see myself as someone’s sidekick, so deciding to change my focus from me to we was a pretty big deal.
I don’t actually know any women married to pastors who were “called” to the role of Pastor’s Wife. Maybe she exists somewhere, but I don’t know her. A wife is a biblical role, but the biblical qualities of a wife don’t change based on who you’re married to. My husband is called to a pastoral ministry. In my role as his wife, my biblical responsibility is to him and the Lord as his help meet (Gen 2:18, 20). My responsibility to you as a church member is to follow God’s word and operate as an “elder woman” of our local church body. How a pastor’s wife grows into that role as a teacher is the same as how any woman learns to teach the younger (Tit 2:3-5): through (often the pain of) experience.
There are some similarities in function for most women who are married to pastors because the role has kind of a basic flow (like all the waiting around we do!), yet it is still a truly different experience for everyone based on personalities, age/stage/stamina, family priorities and congregational expectations.
Many churches require a lot of things from their pastor’s wife—some are the default worship leader, children’s ministry coordinator, church secretary, or bus driver. At MBT, we have built a culture that expects a pastor’s wife to be someone following after righteousness rather than someone who simply is doing all the things (just like we pray is true for every other member, pastors included). Where she is qualified to lead, she’s welcome to pitch in with the rest of the body, but there are no specific expectations about how she will fulfill her role. Some of MBT’s pastor’s wives work outside the home in a career, and some don’t; this is something each family works out before the Lord on their own.
With all that said, here are the top five things God has taught me over the years that may not be top-of-mind for many people about the role of a pastor’s wife in the local church body.
5. We are learning as we go, just like you
All pastor’s wives are as different from each other as pastors are, because we’re individuals just like everyone else; there’s not a cookie-cutter mold that God cuts us out of. Some pastor’s wives are more or less mature than others. Some are more or less sensitive to criticism than others. We are people who married “called” people, and that can be pretty complicated—just like any other relationship can be pretty complicated.
Most of us don’t start out doing a great job as a wife, let alone as the wife of a pastor. We follow Jesus and we learn! One of the things that often bothers women married to a “visible” person like a pastor is that people notice all the things about us—our kids, our attitude, our hair, our weight, our nails, and especially our words. This scrutiny can be very lonely and disconcerting, because we’re sinners saved by grace, just like everybody else.
I asked around the MBT office a bit, and many of the questions people have had for our pastors’ wives are about the added pressure of being married to a pastor and how to deal with it. The answer is the same as it was for any of us before our husbands were ordained: being renewed one day at a time, casting all our cares on the Lord (2Co 4:16; 1 Pe 5:7).
4. Sometimes you see our husbands more than we do
You should probably just ask him about whatever-that-question-you-just-texted-me-to-ask-him-was yourself. If I have 15 minutes with him, I have my own list of things to talk to him about.
The very kindest blessing you can give your pastor’s wife is to follow hard after the Lord, because just pursuing Jesus fulfills so many needs. There is an amazing correlation between less emergency counseling and obeying God’s word. That doesn’t mean you never need to talk to your pastor, but it certainly reduces the chances a person will be drunk dialing him at 3 a.m.
3. Our role isn’t to be the co-pastor
Just like any believing wife, our first biblical responsibility is to our husband and family; my top priority is Sam and his kids. My role isn’t to lead the church like Sam is called to do, though of course I am called to lead the women and ministries God places in my lap. But even with those, my first calling is to my household.
Taking care of MBT’s shepherd and his home base is a big deal! Joyfully keeping Sam functioning with security is what’s best for you. Stability at home gives him more liberty to focus on the word as well as the mental, emotional, and spiritual space to prepare sermons and LFBI classes and to lead our body. If the pastor is distracted by drama at home, he won’t have much left in his tank to help fill yours with edification and education.
2. We do normal things, just like you
And yes, that includes sin. We don’t like learning humility or digging out from grief or disciplining our kids any more than you do.
And yet as we submit to Christ, he builds in us a level of faithfulness and submission to keep doing the hard things, serving our families and help-meeting for our husbands, and caring for you all.
Pastor’s wives need God’s grace every day. We are made out of dirt just like you (Gen 2:7). We make messes. We get stiff when we dry out. We leave a trail sometimes. The only thing we have on the younger generation is years, and with that some years of practice at getting back up when we flip over. So pray for us, please… pretty please!
This brings me to my number one thing:
1. We love you and we pray for you
This is true for all pastor’s wives who are functioning in a healthy relationship with Jesus. I may not know your name yet, but I see your countenance in the crowd and am praying this over you:
Ephesians 3:14 For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, 15 Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, 16 That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; 17 That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, 18 May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; 19 And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. 20 Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, 21 Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen.
There are a thousand other things I could or should add to this list from what God has taught me in my years as Sam’s wife, but this is enough for now. Following the Lord together is such a great privilege, and I love that we are getting to grow up in the Lord together at MBT. I hope this is an encouragement to those of you throughout the Living Faith Fellowship, and that Christ continues to knit each member of your body together.
To hear more of Cheryl’s testimony, check out this interview on the Postscript.
Cheryl Miles is married to Pastor Sam Miles of Midtown Baptist Temple and is a discipler and leader of women.