As I was writing this post geared towards new mothers, I realized that the same principles and practical tips for transitioning back into ministry after having a baby are the same things that are shaping how I return to more active ministry after my own recent health drama. I’m using the same lessons I learned almost two decades ago and applying them to my different circumstances. While I hope I can provide some encouragement for the hard transition of parenthood, I also hope I can speak to coming through other valleys of circumstance and how to move back into ministry activity in their wake.
So here we go!
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Dear Friend,
I figured it was about time to let you know you are doing okay and that you will eventually walk through this valley and look back at where you walked and just marvel — or, if you’re one of those with a new baby, you might forget to look back because by then you will be chasing a hair-on-fire two year old. Either way, it is all good. You have the Lord, He promised to never leave you or forsake you (Heb 13:5), even when you feel brittle and a bit nuts. So if you’re saved, you are rolling through all this with Him whether you want to or not. That is one of the best things about when we blaze a new-to-us trail as a Christian: we aren’t doing it alone. We may be doing it poorly, with a limp, bewildered or even with sadness, but not alone.
Big Transitions Feel Like Losses
Big transitions are HARD. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a painful way. Sometimes in a complicated way. I have grieved through a number of big changes in the life of our family. Some of the changes in our ministry life were extremely unpopular with me, but I learned to lean on the Lord and cast my cares on HIM! Having a baby, becoming a caregiver, or having a health crisis are all life-altering things that change our ability to do the things we did pre-baby or pre-crisis. But are we SUPPOSED to go back to doing the same things we did before? What if God has something else for us now?
Here’s the thing. It’s ALL ministry…
I am so glad God doesn’t differentiate faithfulness by what is sparkly, fancy, easy, or even hard. Faithfulness is just doing what he asks us to do (not what he asks someone else to do). And then doing it again and again and again… every day.
So just because you are lonely or feeling you aren’t doing “important” things like you were doing before pushing a seven-pound flour sack of a person from your body or before having surgery or treatment, keep obeying the Lord! God sees your Kingdom Work as you care for your people because of how he values the precious souls in your home. Seek to ABIDE in Him as you go along! He will guide you!
John 15:5 I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.
...even when it ALL seems different!
If you are a new mom, everything has changed because you now have the responsibility of another soul. That responsibility changes your focus and capacity.
Parenting magazines and Instagram accounts will never ever understand that change of focus. We can’t live for ourselves anymore! We made a person. God gave our little person a precious soul. And their soul is one Jesus died to save! Our children are priceless little terrorists that always want more and have no understanding, and we are in charge of civilizing these little cherubs and helping turn their hearts to the Lord!
If you were a busy ministry leader and your ministry looks exactly the same after having a baby as it did before, you are probably doing it wrong. I know that sounds drastic, but I am pretty sure your kid(s) needs take precedence over your own preferences… and that means a lot of things change!
Sam and I had to sacrifice a lot of my ministry outside the home in the early days so he could continue to focus and build and minister to our body. Then, later, I had to back out a lot again to care for my dad. These choices were not easy or fun; they were just how things needed to work so we could obey the Lord. Those hard choices were part of doing heartily what the Lord put in my hand. You can do this too!
Ecclesiastes 9:10 Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might; for there is no work, nor device, nor knowledge, nor wisdom, in the grave, whither thou goest.
Colossians 3:23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
Focus on what you CAN do – baby steps!
Stop focusing on what you can’t do. Wonder Woman is imaginary. A transition into motherhood is a completely different experience for every mom. Focus on what you’re learning, and as your strength returns and you get a handle on your new normal, look for different ways to bless the people around you.
Some people never do ministry like they did before having kids. And here’s the thing: I HOPE I never do ministry like I did before! I hope I am more compassionate, thoughtful and Spirit-led now that I have grown and learned new perspectives from my children. I hope I am more patient, less prideful, and more intentional about my words and choices. But in a practical sense, after having kids, I never went back to working with our international student ministry in a direct way — and that was okay.
Some steps to consider:
Ease back into what you considered ministry. If you are a new mom, it may never be the same because you have added a precious human to your squad. They ARE MINISTRY. Raising your people is Kingdom work. Start figuring out how to do ministry within your kids’ sphere — do things where they aren’t always left behind. For me, it was children’s ministry. When we first planted MBT, there was really no one else available to teach kids! If I wanted my kids to have a Sunday School experience, I was responsible for that.
Another way I eased “back” into ministry was by inviting people into our home rather than doing things away, so that I could participate and put the kids to bed rather than hauling them around town every night.
I do want to caution you with this “easing in.” Sam and I have watched a lot of people use their new family as an excuse to just stop serving, or to skip out on real open-Bible ministry opportunities to “minister to family”, or take their kids out of town every weekend for their competitive ball club as a “family activity” and completely lose track of being a family who prioritizes church (Heb 10:25). These families never grow in ministry because they completely disappear from the church body every sports season for eight weeks. You can’t effectively disciple and actively and consistently prioritize sports over church. That goes for discipling your kids too.
We need the body. You need the body. Maybe that can’t include the weekly evening Bible study you’ve been part of, maybe it’s just the every-other-week version, but try to figure out a way to connect into a small group.
Don’t compare. Every family is different! Every mom and kid is different so that means your capacity for outside ministry will be different from other families.
2 Corinthians 10:12 For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.
Maybe you guys are the type of family that can trade off watching the kids. Maybe not. Mine was NOT the “trade off” type of family. Sam was often out, and when he was home, we all needed to be together. I was able to leave my corporate job and stay home when we had little kids, so daytime was ministry time for me. Still is! I try to be available for my family on the evenings and weekends because I can use the daytime hours for ministry focus like Mom’s Group.
As your capabilities change, change what you do.
As you feel better and are sleeping more, do more. As your kids learn to focus or start to take more predictable naps, do more. That seems like it would be an easy or common-sense thing, but in the fog of transition and all the baby things, sometimes it is super hard to find a place to start. A good way might be just reaching out to people — inviting them over or encouraging them with a text. Perhaps the next thing would be finding a small group (everyone needs one) that meets when you can meet and/or has childcare.
Become very practical. Planning is a big deal. Get the hang of having a plan (meal planning, chores, whatever!).
If you are having trouble focusing on reading the Word, listen. Ask the Lord for a nugget to meditate on during these weak times, and then meditate on what he gives you!
Be wise.
Before saying yes to a ministry opportunity, I’ve learned to ask things like this when my capacity is limited (in no particular order):Heb 13:5
Does this work within the ministry principles of my church?
Am I abiding (John 15:5), or is this busy work to replace time with God?
Does this need to be done? Will it serve the body? Do I actually want to do this? (That’s not always a determining factor — I have done LOTS of ministry service I didn’t exactly want to do, but I like to be honest with myself.)
What will I give up to do this? (There is ALWAYS an exchange.)
Do I feel called, or do I just want to make this commitment? Do I feel called and just NOT want to do it? Why?
How will this affect my family? Does my spouse have any reservations? Am I overcommitting now and making for a crazy next season?
Am I under-committed? Could I do more but am feeling lazy or avoiding a confrontation?
Be willing to adjust.
When life takes a hard turn, expected or unexpected, keep the mission foremost in your mind and grace and truth in your hands, and change what you do and how you do it. To me, that sounds like the oversimplification of the decade, but it is one of the ways Christians learn to adapt and grow in trusting the Lord. The transition might take a minute and we might be a little mad about it, and we might even have a bit of attitude whiplash to work through, but we CAN grow and change because we have the amazing promise of peace and of God with us (Matthew 1:23) as we diligently point our focus at the Lord.
Isaiah 26:3 Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.
Joshua 1:9 Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest.
Isaiah 12:2 Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.
One of the reasons this post has been so difficult to write is that I am speaking to myself. Seriously, about all of it. Any huge life-changing experience modifies your capacity and sometimes even refines your focus. I had my last baby almost two decades ago, but I’ve had a few sharp turns in the last two years, including the loss of my dad. The latest thing has been a DCIS breast cancer diagnosis, surgeries, and radiation. In all this, I am trusting the Lord that it will be time to start reaching into more ministry opportunities soon, but I still have some recovering to do. So, I need to take my own advice and ease into new things and maybe back into a few old things. If I go too fast or overcommit, I will have to pull back out, so baby steps are a great way for me to keep moving.
I think the practical lesson I’m trying to impart is that as you come through hard or devastating seasons, keep the mission foremost in your mind and work out the new ministry normal as you go. Every day is different. I can’t trust my body to just keep going like it did a year ago. When I had little babies, I couldn’t trust things would go the way I wanted either. So now I start out with a basic plan and adjust as I go.
Naturally and gently easing back into church body life with a focus on the souls in your home and your eyes looking for new opportunities are great ways to reconnect in ministry without feeling a lot of pressure to jump back in too fast or too slow. Look prayerfully at each new commitment, and remember that we just need to obey what God has given us today.
Love,
Cheryl Miles
Check out this interview with Cheryl on The Postscript Show
Cheryl Miles is a leader and discipler of women at Midtown Baptist Temple in Kansas City, and is the wife of Pastor Sam Miles.
