Losing my father as a toddler has made fatherhood that much more special to me. Making memories with my children is important because I have none to draw from with my father. Hearing stories about my father from those who knew him is everything to me because that is as close as I can ever get to knowing him and knowing who he was as a person.
On a very hot and humid Kansas City day on September 7, 2002, I married my wife, Lori. By God's grace, we welcomed our first child, Ken, into the world on August 19, 2004, on Long Island. I'll never forget driving him home from the hospital on what can be very adventurous Long Island streets. I felt like I was driving a Humvee through a live combat zone. Praise the Lord though, we made it home unharmed!
One of the roles of fatherhood is that of a teacher. Biblically speaking, this is something fathers must do in the home (Deu 6:6-7; Pro 2:1-5; Eph 6:4). Before becoming a father, I could have never imagined the mountain of teaching opportunities that fatherhood presents. They are everywhere, some formal and some informal. But there is certainly no shortage of them.
My son was born to parents of an interracial marriage. Therefore, he and his sister, Bree, are biracial. His mother is a glorious, gracious, gentle, and godly white woman. Over the years, I continue to struggle to capture the right words to describe her priceless worth (Pro 31:10). I do find myself coming back to what I always seem to include when attempting to describe her: "She is the classiest woman I've ever met." Lori is draped in godly beauty, holiness, humility, modesty, and purity. Growing up in South Dekalb (a suburb of Atlanta), I'd never seen anyone like her! So as much as I was blessed with an incredible wife, my children were blessed with an amazing mother.
Given that my children are biracial, it has been important to me to educate my son in particular on the history of African Americans. Though he is biologically biracial, because of my influence in his life, it is undeniable that he sees himself biologically as an African American young man. We've watched documentaries together and have had meaningful discussions about slavery, the civil rights era, and the racial issues that have captivated our nation recently. Of all the moments we've experienced, one stands out from them all. When he was nine years old, we were watching a documentary on slavery. I could see that he was becoming very moved emotionally as he processed the inhumanity and brutality of slavery. As tears built up in his eyes, his face became like a flint and his disposition became very firm, and in a very indignant fashion, he blurted out, "Why are white people like that?"
This was a teaching moment like no other. I gently reached for the remote and pressed pause on the DVD player (I know, “DVD player” sounds ancient doesn't it?). I began asking him a series of questions to help him answer his own question and correct his thinking. The questions were, "Is your mother like that? Is Pastor Sam like that? Are Meemah and Fahfa (Lori's parents) like that? Is Officer Philip like that? Are your friends at church like that?" The answer to all those questions was clearly, "No." The concluding point was that not all white people are “like that”. This is where culture, media, especially social media, can wreak absolute havoc on adults and children. As teachers, one of the things fathers do is teach their children how to think biblically and filter everything through the word of God.
This was one of the great tragedies of my childhood. I did not have a father to teach me how to biblically filter life. When it came to racial issues, things were painted with a broad brush. I vividly remember my best friend's father issuing his son and me a very strong warning about dealing with white people. He said to us, "Never trust a cracker." I could see in his face and hear in the tone of his voice that he believed and felt that very deeply. When it came to politics, I learned that African Americans were Democrats because the Democrats were for us while the Republicans on the other hand were white, rich, and against us. And socially speaking, because of the system, African Americans were poor, uneducated, and no matter what we did or tried, the system was rigged against us, so we were destined to struggle until we die. Those messages were directly and indirectly reinforced to me throughout the entirety of my childhood from older family members and older African Americans. So when my son blurted out, "Why are white people like that?" I saw it as an urgent teaching moment because it was a colossal untruth.
To this day, I am deeply thankful for that teaching opportunity as I learned something of immense importance in that moment: as a father, it is my responsibility to properly teach and inform my children, not my culture or the media. If I entrust my culture, Fox News, CNN, or Facebook with informing my children, I will have failed both them and my stewardship before God. More than anything, I desire for my children to be established in the word of God. Regardless of the issue or topic, I long for them to be Psalm 119:128 young people: "Therefore I esteem all thy precepts concerning all things to be right; and I hate every false way."
I have been blessed with some very proud moments as a father. Having one of Ken's teachers call me to share how he voluntarily rushed to help her carry a lot of items into the school one morning was a very proud moment for me. Observing how he treasures and honors my wife regularly by opening the car door for her, making her breakfast on Mother's Day and on her birthday, and never addressing her in a dishonorable or disrespectful tone makes me very proud of him. Whenever I return from traveling, I only hear how he took great care of my wife and my daughter. My daughter continues to exhibit a servant's heart. She is very sensitive to the opportunities to be a blessing to others, has a knack for hospitality, and continues to blow us all away with how she helps in our home. Surely, my heart will be shattered into pieces to give her to a godly man someday. None of this is stated to boast. But what makes me the proudest is day after day seeing them choose to rise early to sit at the feet of Jesus to hear His word. If God is being glorified in their lives, this is how and why. The mind of Christ is becoming their mind (1Co 2:16; Php 2:5).
This also helps them to navigate the social terrain of the day. Ken routinely shares with me the tone of the social media posts of his classmates. Like adults, many of his classmates are passionately opinionated about political, racial, and social issues. The input that he shares with me is consistent with the typical secular rhetoric of the day. What heightens my listening in those moments though is hearing how Ken views the input from his classmates. What I'm looking to discern there is whether Ken is weighing in as an African American young man or based on what he is hearing from the word of God every morning, from the discussions we have about truth, and from what he's hearing from the teaching ministry of his pastors and teachers (Eph. 4:11-12).
To the Glory of God, as proud as I am to see my son seek the Scriptures daily, I am as proud to hear how he is discerning the mountain of noise coming at him from the world. By the grace of God, may our homes and churches be places where our children are established in the word of God!
Parenthood parallels discipleship in the life of the young believer- If you’re interested in hearing Kenny’s testimony of discipleship and his father in the faith, check out this interview on the Postscript
