My son, Ken, has begun participating in the strength and conditioning program at his high school. As an incoming freshman, he is getting introduced to the competitive culture of high school athletics. The other day, he was standing in our home without his shirt on, and the effects of the training were clearly seen. He has a six pack (that I once had) with defined biceps and triceps. It’s exciting and interesting to watch him in this new phase of life. But as Lori and I were talking recently about him, I made the statement, “We’re here.” That is, we have now arrived at the teen years and all that comes with it.
The need for Ken’s independence continues to grow. He’s requesting to do more on his own away from us. None of these outings have been unreasonable so far, just normal bike rides with friends from athletic training to the coffee shop to Sonic to the pool. This can be a bit much for his mother as he now seems to be able to do all of these things without needing us. All this led to a very timely discussion about the four basic stages of parenting. I learned these some years ago and have adjusted them based on my own observations and experiences.
Stage 1: Coach
the “what”
Proverbs 1:4 To give subtilty to the simple, to the young man knowledge and discretion.
This is the very hands-on stage where the emphasis is on the “what”. We tell them what to do at every turn. Essentially, we almost think for them because we have to. This stage runs from approximately the toddler years into their freshman year of high school. At this stage, children are relatively simple. That is, they can be easily influenced which is why as parents, we have to frequently coach them on what is right and wrong at this stage.
Stage 2: Counselor
the “why”
Proverbs 1:5 A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels: 6 To understand a proverb, and the interpretation; the words of the wise, and their dark sayings.
The hands do not come completely off here, but the grip is certainly not as tight. At this stage, the focus is not so much on the “what,” but the “why”. At stage one, the “what” gets established. Here, we have to go beyond that and explain the “why” behind their decisions and ours. Counseling also implies discussion.
Discussions at stage one are very one-sided, with the parent giving most of the input. In stage two, discussions often involve the parent and the child equally. One of the things I’ve found myself saying to my kids is, “Walk me through what you were thinking at the time.” I do this because I want to capture what was good in my kids’ thought processes and then pinpoint where they have room for improvement moving forward. This stage lasts approximately from the high school years through the first couple of years of young adulthood.
Stage 3: Consultant
hands must come off the reigns.
Numbers 1:3 From twenty years old and upward, all that are able to go forth to war in Israel: thou and Aaron shall number them by their armies.
In the first two stages, our input is unsolicited. Here, it must instead be asked for and the hands must come off the reigns. In the Old Testament, you were drafted to fight in war at the age of twenty. Today, the average person in America is a junior in college at this age.
Provided that we’ve done our job at stages one and two, our children have grown into adulthood and are meet for the master’s use (2Ti 2:21). They will have questions and require guidance at certain times, but one of the worst mistakes that parents make here is to take a stage one and two approach with a twenty-year-old. It ALWAYS backfires!
Stage 4: Colleagues
we truly are equals.
Pro 27:17 Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.
Our parental job is officially done here. Fully grown children are wise to honor their parents as they walk with God, but as much as they will do that, because they are now adults, they will edify and encourage us as much as we did and will continue to do with them. At this stage, we truly are equals.
As I’ve told my son, “We look forward to sitting in your home someday, with your family, and being able to enjoy that experience.” We will not be there to coach, counsel, or consult. We will be there to laugh, love, listen, and learn!
If you are interested in investing in the next generation, whether it be discipling or parenting, check out this episode of the Postscript with Pastor Kenny Morgan.
Kenny Morgan is the discipleship pastor at Midtown Baptist Temple, where he also leads the Life Fellowship adults class.