I grew up in a home where I never heard my parents argue. There, I said it. I know that probably gives what I say next about as much credibility as the National Enquirer or the latest account of a Big Foot sighting. Yes, it sounds crazy, but I’m an eye witness and a beneficiary of this rare circumstance. Now, why do I even tell you that? I primarily mention it to emphasize the fact that we are setting the bar too low in our marriage relationships. We have grown accustomed to bickering and fighting, and we have started to accept it as a part of life.
Now certainly a lack of healthy communication is a key component to the state that many marriage relationships are in. I’m not sure that can be understated. Technically, you can have a relationship that lacks a lot of things, but without communication you don’t have a relationship at all. You might as well order a salad and tell the waiter to hold the lettuce. So if communication is a necessary element in any relationship, then I think we can say that healthy communication is a necessary element of any healthy relationship. It’s necessary and it’s possible. It is possible to practice healthy communication and not habitually argue with your spouse. In fact, it is possible to not argue at all. Shouldn’t that be what we’re aiming for? As it has been said, “If you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.”
Now, though this is certainly possible, I’m not saying it’s easy. I understand for many that this seems like a lofty goal; we have a lot that is playing against us in our marriage relationships. In fact, it would seem that the cards that everyone on the planet is dealt in marriage is a combination of the following circumstances — extensive amounts of time together, high stress situations, big decisions, everything that comes with birthing and rearing children, sickness, lack of sleep, money problems, and issues with in-laws. I’m sure there’s plenty I’m missing, but with any amalgamation of those types of situations and circumstances, you have yourself a recipe for, to put it gently, a lot of unhealthy communication with one another. And I can’t forget to mention that God made men and women completely different. He didn’t just make men and women different in their plumbing; he made them different in their wiring, which means we tend to see those situations and circumstances from completely different vantage points. So there is, admittedly, a lot stacked against this relationship. It almost feels like the moment you say “I do” God throws you the ball down 21 with 2 minutes left. That’s a deficit I’m not even sure Patrick Mahomes could overcome.
If that weren’t enough, are you aware of the fact that Satan is coming for your marriage? And we just saw that we already have plenty to say grace over without Satan’s involvement. Keep in mind, sometimes we can overestimate Satan’s involvement in our lives when the problems in our lives or marriages are really just a result of the fact that we can’t say no to our flesh. But as it relates specifically to our marriages, destroying a believer's marriage relationship ranks high in Satan’s economy. Do you know how I know that? Because it ranks so high in God’s economy. If it’s a big deal to God, you can rest assured that Satan is coming to devour it. See 1 Pet. 5:8, this has been Satan’s mode of operation all throughout history.
You see, we can’t forget that marriage is a divine picture. Sure God wanted to bless us with the gift of marriage and all the things that come with being able to enjoy the “grace of life” with our spouse, but his primary goal was to picture Jesus’ love relationship with the church. Our marriages are to put that picture on display for the world to see. Our marriages should be a tool for evangelism. Satan knows that if he can get us twisted around in our marriage relationship then he can cripple us and sideline us from the mission that God called us to. We are to be ministry partners in our marriage relationships, not ministry impediments. So there are no shortage of factors playing against healthy communication in our marriage relationships.
But God most certainly expects us to overcome these things, because he has made us capable of it, and he has given us the keys to do so.
Interestingly enough, do you know what the biblical keys are to healthy communication in marriage? They are the same biblical keys to healthy communication in general. The Bible lays out principles that direct us into healthy communication with our fellow man and they are the same principles we are to apply in our relationship with our spouse. Now I understand that husbands and wives have specific responsibilities in their relationship to each other that are unique to the marriage relationship. But to a large extent, we will make tremendous strides in our relationship with our spouse if we simply apply biblical principles for healthy communication in general. So let me lay out a few verses where we find some of the biblical principles for healthy communication in general in hopes that we apply them to our marriages.
Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Do you know why your spouse can have such strong feelings in reaction or response to something you say? Because of the “power of the tongue.” Our words have power. Many of us don’t live with the reality of this principle, or we would avoid our weekly bouts of flying off the handle and saying whatever our emotions are leading us to say in that moment. We don’t get to do that and think there won’t be far reaching effects. The second half of the verse teaches us that we will eat of the “fruit” that our tongue produces. May we choose to use that “power of the tongue” to “eat the fruit” of “life.”
Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
There are times where we may not be the one initially stirring things up and starting an argument, but oh man, when we “answer” we can up the ante with the best of them. Our spouse may say something that doesn’t sit well, and next thing you know we have taken it way further than they did. Have you ever been there? This verse is still as true to today as when it was written. If your spouse comes to you in a displeasing manner — the way you respond can diffuse the situation or escalate it.
Proverbs 17:27 He that hath knowledge spareth his words: and a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.
We just looked at Prov. 15:1 and in this verse we can see there is a response or an “answer” required in the particular situation that is described. Sometimes there is no way around giving some sort of answer. This verse, Prov. 17:27, teaches us there may be times to lean towards just keeping our mouths shut. And if we don’t keep our mouths completely shut, we should at least “spare” our words. If you have “knowledge” you’ll “spare” your words. If you “spare” your words, that means that there was plenty more that you had to say, but you didn’t say it. You “spared” the words you could have said, and “spared” your spouse from hearing them. The rest of the verse teaches us that “a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit.” So we are to spare our words and the words that we do use should be said with the right spirit. If we have “wisdom” and “knowledge” we will spare our words and say what we say the right way.
1 Peter 3:17 For it is better, if the will of God be so, that ye suffer for well doing, than for evil doing.
Many of us understand that “suffering for well doing” has the potential to be a part of our lives as believers in Jesus Christ. Some of us are even prepared to endure that at the hands of unbelievers, our bosses or our government. Many are ready to take it so far that we are willing to die for our faith. But what if we suffer for well doing at the hands of our spouse? Now clearly that should not be the case. That ought not to be. But how can we say we are willing to suffer for well doing at the hands of the world even if it means death, if we can’t even handle an undeserved cross word from our spouse? Even if your spouse is not glorifying the Lord in their behavior, we should be willing to “suffer for well doing.”
For a lot of us, we apply the principles we just saw in our everyday lives when we deal with people at work, at church, or even out to dinner. But isn’t it a shame how it tends to go in our marriages — the biblical principles we apply in our relationships with so many others in our lives are principles we don’t apply to our marriage relationship? How can that be? Ironically, our relationship with our spouse is the most important relationship in the world (outside of our relationship with the Lord) and yet we talk to our spouse in ways that we wouldn’t speak to anyone else in the world. Many, if not most, men speak to their wives in ways they would never speak to someone else’s wife. Many, if not most, women speak to their husband in ways they would never speak to another woman’s husband.
It’s time to raise the bar, guys. We are capable of better. God expects more, and he not only put his Spirit inside of us, but he laid out the principles for us to follow to accomplish what he desires. Everywhere we go, we are painting a picture of the Lord Jesus Christ’s love relationship with his church for everyone to see. If we are serious about reaching unbelievers with the gospel, and the picture we are painting for them with our marriages is a mess, then how will they understand the love relationship that Christ desires to have with them in their lives? The challenges are great, the attacks are many, but may we strive for more, for much is at stake.
Justin Trotter is an associate pastor at Callie Harbin Baptist Church in Villa Rica, GA.
